Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
