If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
