I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
