he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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