DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
