i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
