Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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