Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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