he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
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My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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