Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
