Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
