My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
