She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
