the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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