My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
