My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
