I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
