the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
