I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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