Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I did not marry a roomba.
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