my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
