i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
