i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
