She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
