Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
