Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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