wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
