I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
