tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
