i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
