God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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