you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
