I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
