I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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