I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
