youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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