Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My feet surprised me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize