I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Farmville is her only friend.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
