I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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