i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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