She is in my trunk
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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