The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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