So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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