Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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