At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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