Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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