theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
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ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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