So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
