If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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