You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
