me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
