BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
