If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
