Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
