Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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