my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
