WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
