He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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