some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
