it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
